Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
B
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My beach vacation Google searches
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.