Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
They did not miss in the small print
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.