I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
You Might Also Like
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
rapatouille
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms