Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?