Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
How wrong was this guy?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.