I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
You Might Also Like
Webb. James Webb.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?