Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over