I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
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me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.