American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Every house has this drawer
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.