I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.