My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
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As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free