I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*