I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I’m good, thanks.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫