Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*