I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’