never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
*checks Timeline*…
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.