Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
me: my friends:
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*