People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.