Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her