Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?