Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”