Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
the three branches of government
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.