Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
You Might Also Like
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Very good! 👍😂
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.