Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
A drum solo but on your face.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?