And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
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Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.