*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I didn’t come here to be called names
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river