Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
This a good idea
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock