Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
You Might Also Like
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
This meal prepping shit easy
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.