writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.