I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
True
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute