before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
best first i’ve ever seen
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I ate everything, including the H.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend