waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Oh we’ve met.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up