Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Scream sneezers need love too.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The news is so predictable nowadays
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again