you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
My Guy
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?