We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
all that yoga finally paid off
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.