Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
You Might Also Like
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?