I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
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On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
And that about sums it up.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.