Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Optional boss fight.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”