You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
You Might Also Like
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’M CRYINGGG
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Sorry. Not sorry
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I put the h in mysterious.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately