[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
When I laugh on my period
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Sharon I have some bad news
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where