5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Swedish for common sense.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine