How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
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Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.