[canadians at you, canadianly]
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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
You had me at “define legal”.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.