Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
crochet youtube is brutal
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25