I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.