Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
You Might Also Like
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Just a reminder, folks:
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
the dark web is just a goth google.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.