[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
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I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich