If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If you, don鈥檛 know, how, to properly use a comma don鈥檛 use, them ok.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
It鈥檚 not drinking alone if you鈥檙e stuck in traffic
haha, if i鈥檓 supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny鈥檚 parking lot?
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they鈥檙e so rude 馃槶
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[animal noises] it鈥檚 only those with a destination who can be lost
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you鈥檙e particularly proud of?me:
i鈥檓 responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that鈥檚 great! you wrote them?me:
that鈥檚 not what i said
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up