a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
ouch
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Hero horse inspires millions
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry