I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
how to have an accident 101
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.